Archive for the ‘Cannibals’ Category

Search Engine LOLZ Part 1

August 11, 2011

Scaring yourself silly is certainly a fun way to pass the time, but while locking yourself in a darkened room with hordes of horror movies and googling scary faces just before bed is all well and good, sometimes what you really need is a good ol’ fashioned LARF-FEST.

I JUST LOVE A GOOD CHUCKLE!

Luckily for me, larfs aplenty can be found with one simple click of a button: checking the search engine terms that have led people to my blog.

Over the course of Awesome Art’s short life (1 year old in October – send cake plz), search engine terms have played a huge role in bringing visitors to my lovely little blog, for which I am eternally grateful.

Of course, many of these people must have been pretty disappointed by what they found. I’ll tell ya, I live to regret the day that I absent-mindedly shoved the word ‘porn’ into a post. I don’t think I need to elaborate on that one.

Even aside from the plentiful amount of porn-searchers, people are looking for some pretty strange stuff on the Interweb. Usually disgusting, often bemusing and always hilarious, here are some of my faves that hopefully will make you larf just as much as I did.

(And just in case you’re interested, the top search engine term at the moment is ‘Village of the damned’, followed by ‘female horror characters’. Definitely not as amusing as the ones which shall follow. Spelling and grammar have not been changed.)

Sheri Moon ass
STANDARD.

Fairuza Balk tits
LESS STANDARD.

crazy horse cabaret
I like the sound of this.

Rob Zombie’s halloween tits
I wasn’t aware that Mr Zombie had breasts. Although if he did, they would probably be Halloween-themed.

The dark side of winnie the pooh
Pretentious English Lit/Film student seeking material for their essay about the dodgy deeper meanings behind our favourite childhood bear? Or just some stoned guy who was craving more Heffalumps and Woozles?

Virgin mary horror porn
Initially this perplexed me no end. However it turns out that it must be some kind of new fad that I was unaware of. See below.

The virgin mary+naked+porn+horny+weird+
+ what? + WHAT!??????

porno blasphemy virgin mary 
OK, seriously, who is this guy!? Whoever they (he, she, it, who knows) may be, they must be pretty sick of looking at my blog by now. And pretty sick in general. THERE’S NO VIRGIN MARY PORN HERE! BE GONE! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!

Hot naked grandma
Nice…nice.

cannibalism side effects
Good to know that modern cannibals are concerned about possible risks. STAY SAFE, CANNIBALS!

bald woman rampage
This would make a great horror movie title. The one thing worse than a woman scorned? A BALD woman scorned.

real life t rex that’s still alive today
This kid may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but at least he knows where to put his apostrophes.

bald dumbo rat
I believe that this guy was searching for his perfect pet: a bald, brain-dead rodent.

what if your heaven was also your hell would you still go there no fear
Ah, that age-old question man has been asking since the dawn of time… don’t think you’ll be finding the answer here though, mate.

And to bring it all to a delightful conclusion, I share with you one person’s beautiful vision…

cannibal frolics
The image of this is just too awesome for words.

This topic may become a regular feature on Awesome Art because it’s so gosh darned fun(ny). And, like I said before, we all love a good LARF.

See y'all again for more lolz soon!

Advertisements

Clock Lovin’ Cannibals: ‘We Are What We Are’ Review.

November 27, 2010

Talk about a dysfunctional family.

An unstable mother who enjoys obsessively shredding cloth and lives in a house full of ticking clocks, set to different times no less. An insanely creepy sweater-wearing ‘sensitive’ older brother who blubs a lot. An ever creepier sister who lurches around in a nightgown. A horny younger brother with anger issues who resembles a young Anthony Kiedis (Yes, I kind of fancied the teenage cannibal.)

Oh yeah, I guess that’s the main thing that makes them so strange. They enjoy chowing down on human flesh.

Weirdos

(What is it with me and cannibals this week!? Is it a bit wrong that I went in search of more after Cannibal Holocaust?)

Directed by Jorge Michel Grau, We Are What We Are is set in rundown Mexico City, and it sure paints a grim picture of it. Prostitutes pop up continuously throughout the film and violence is rife. As the undertaker who discovers a human finger in Daddy cannibal puts it: “It’s unbelievable how many people are eating each other in the city.”

After Daddy cannibal (who was clearly the breadwinner) dies, the remnants of this flesh-feasting family have to learn how to find food on their own. Their cannibalism appears to be less about physical sustinence (although creepy sister does rub and gnaw on a victim’s naked thigh in a perverse sexual manner at one point) and more about the bizarre family rituals that mother seems so desperate to continue. This is where the ticking clocks come in; the next ritual is due.

They do have some morals. That or they’re just picky eaters. For example, Mummy cannibal refuses to eat ‘whores’. When her sons come home with a prostitute in tow, she butchers the girl and then drives back to where they found her, before hurling the dead body at the other prostitutes in a fit of rage. Not the wisest of moves, as we discover later.

For horror lovers, the gore is sparse but when it comes it’s the sound effects that make it. Sounds of squelching and squeezing flesh are much more effective in getting the audience heaving than any blood-soaked vision. The incessant creepy music of erratic strings only adds to the creep factor.

The film is by no means brilliant. There are more than a few holes in the plot and though it attempts to delve psychologically into the familiy and their troubles it never quite gets there. Themes of homosexuality and incest are flirted with briefly but never developed. In fact, not much information is developed. The bumbling policemen who try to catch the cannibals are a pointless attempt at a humorous subplot. But all that said I can’t deny that We Are What We Are held my attention. The characters may have been checking their clocks but I never checked mine (See what I did there!?).

For me, it’s the final scene that makes it. I’ll refrain from divulging any information but I’ll just say this: it’s bloody brillant black comedy.

Check out the trailer here.

Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You: The Inevitable Cannibal Holocaust Review

November 23, 2010

Yes, I watched Cannibal Holocaust by choice.

nomnomnom
Cannibal Holocaust cover

This is a film that was consistently banned and shows real animals being slaughtered on-screen. The graphic obscenity led to director Ruggero Dedato being brought to court to prove that it wasn’t a snuff film in which people are actually killed. He even had to bring the actors to court to show that they were still alive. But it sure is a snuff film if you’re a woodland creature.

After asking friends about it and scouring the internet for reviews, I was EXTREMELY freaked out after reading numerous reports that stated: “I love gore, guts, slashing, people eating each other, chopping up my grandma etc etc… but I still had to fast-forward the rape/animal massacre scenes in Cannibal Holocaust”.

Yes, I love horror, but for me suspense will always overide slashing and I still can’t watch the Achilles heel scene in Hostel without heaving. How the feck was I to survive the most ‘controversial film ever made’?!

One of the tamer scenes
Cannibal Holocaust

The film is split into two segments. After four documentary filmakers go missing in the Amazon rainforest in 1979, an anthropologist, Professor Harold Moore, ventures back there to try and discover what happened. The first half shows Moore’s brief adventures with the tribes (including a bizarre scene where he frolics naked in a river with some tribe girls: be warned this film is far too full of genitalia). The second shows the footage of the missing filmakers that he finds and brings back to New York.

The first half of the film is pretty ridiculous, almost akin to some kind of bizarre spoof (until the particularly shocking rape scene). There are stumbling tribespeople looking for a snack, constant derogatory talk about them being ‘uncivilised’, absolutely no character development whatsoever and a soundtrack that resembles a cross between Ross Geller’s keyboard techniques and a creepy romantic comedy.

Responsible for the soundtrack?
Ross Geller Keyboards

The second half ups the gore but not the substance. The plot never develops. There is a distinct lack of suspense. The characters are one-dimensional racist misogynists who treat the natives with such incomprehensible disrespect that you almost feel relieved when the cannibals get their hands on them. Almost. The male filmakers rape a native girl (while the female filmaker quips about them wasting film!?) and they burn down the natives’ hut – while the natives are still in it.

Abba-lookalike filmaker fancies a snack
Abba fancies a snack - Cannibal Holocaust

Cannibal Holocaust doesn’t actually have all that much cannibalism. It should be renamed Turtle-Snuff-Rape Holocaust. Despite the realistic and disturbing nature of the rape and torture scenes, at least we know that they’re not actually happening. The graphic turtle slaughter and pig shooting, however, are real. Watching the filmakers kill and rip apart a turtle’s intestines (YES a REAL turtle!) is highly disturbing and I can’t even imagine how messed up those actors must be to have that forever captured on film. They also kill a snake and a monkey amongst other poor creatures.

The real victims of Cannibal Holocaust – slaughtered animals
The real victims of Cannibal Holocaust

Overall the unnecessary violence is beyond ridiculous, particularly in the final scenes. The Abba-lookalike filmaker gets castrated, while the female filmaker is graphically raped by the tribesmen before being beaten to death and beheaded. I could keep going but you get the point. Oh yeah, and unlike most horror films, you see EVERYTHING. You’ll be grateful for the shaky camera work.

The film ends with the lines “I wonder who the real cannibals are,” spoken by Professor Moore after watching the found footage. Deep man, real deep. This final attempt to make the film seem more like a profound comment on society fails to distract from what it actually is: barely as deep as a puddle and about nothing more than pure, disgusting and above all unnecessary shock value.

Watch at your own peril. Let this final picture be a warning.

Cannibal Holocaust scene